....as far as you know.
I just got a larger TV. Now, if I specify how large this TV is, I run
the risk of dampening the impact of my statement, but if I leave this
ambiguous, I can count on basic human insecurity to interpolate the
size of my TV.
Because as we all know, in the absence of data, human beings will
assume that, in the absence of evidence, my TV must be larger than
yours.
I must say I was reluctant to mention this at all, because there is,
in fact, a more elevated form of humanity that does not watch
television at all. These people are so wealthy, smart, and emotionally
well-adjusted that they are above the whole concept of television.
Thus, they win by losing. I may have a gigantic 56-inch digital marvel
that can display Jenna Jameson's breasts in vibrating tactile 3-D, but
I would still be inferior to the people who are above the concept of
television entirely.
In fact, if I really wanted to be cool, I could write a post about how
I had destroyed my TV, in an orgy of indignation and good taste. I
could write about all the vibrant, life-enhancing activities I could
engage in, now that I no longer have TV to consume my free time.
Of course, most people who write posts like that are just spending an
extra six hours a day on the Internet -- but if you spend that six
hours writing about how cool and fulfilling your life is, you can
generate more envy per person than the guy who posts about his 56-inch
TV, at a much lower cost!
There are sub-categories, of course. There's a subset of people who
"give up TV" so they can watch copious quantities of DVD movies. This
is still considered a superior social position, because as we all
know, television is stupid, but movies are smart and life-affirming.
And the Internet, well, if you transfer six hours of leisure time from
television to the Internet, you can actually get credit for learning
during that time. No one knows you're downloading **** and starting
flame wars.
Post about how you've given up television and installed a T1 in your
house, and people will assume you spend all day reading McSweeney's
and posting to the Howard Dean Blog for America.
Thus, by giving up television for the Internet, you prove that not
only are you smarter than the average person, you also care more, and
caring trumps learning any day.
Of course, we have another category of superiority behind renunciation
of television. We have people who renounce television in favor of
books. Paper books, purchased from classy urban bookstores and ****pped
express from Amazon.
Because, as well all know, the pecking order for respectability is:
Television -- Movies -- Internet -- Books.
So by this measure, a dumb book is better than a smart movie, and a
dumb movie is still better than a smart television program, because
you paid for it, and you didn't have to watch commercials.
This is why HBO is considered marginally superior to normal TV.
Thus, you actually get people who say, "I don't watch mainstream
television, I only watch HBO" and expect to be praised for it.
So, we have two factors here to determine relative coolness. You are
judged by what you consume, and by the quality of the equipment you
use to consume it. So, a person watching HBO on a 17-inch television
is roughly equal to a guy watching Cartoon Network on a 56-inch
digital set.
So, what's the best choice, for a guy who has already admitted to
watching TV? I can't be California TV Renunciate cool, but by
remaining silent about the size of my television, I might still be
able to win on points.
And if I remain silent about what I watch on television, you can
assume I watch CNN and PBS, with regular infusions of Sopranos and
Queer Eye.
I can't tell you the truth, of course. The truth is, I watch mainly
Adult Swim and the History Channel. That's not too bad. You can assume
I mix a worldly appreciation of history with a dash of child-like
whimsy.
The truth is, I mainly watch Justice League and Futurama, and I only
watch the history channel when they talk about barbarians or ***.
I've grown bored with Queer Eye repeats, and I have never properly
appreciated the Sopranos. Also, sometimes I watch infomercials, mostly
when I'm too lazy to change the channel.
Of course, I don't actually watch television. I only use it as
background noise while I consume thoughtful, intelligent commentary on
the Internet.
I don't watch TV like ordinary middle-class people -- burping in my
underwear, scratching myself in time to anime voiceovers. I mean, you
know, I don't do that every day. I only do that when I'm home sick, or
trying to fall asleep, or when my internet connection is down, or when
I just don't feel like doing anything else.
I have written this long essay to distract you from the humiliating
truth. I've just purchased a (used) 20-inch television, replacing the
tiny 13-inch TV set that my Mom sent me after my previous television
set tried to kill me.
(Don't ask. It's a long story. Okay, real quick short version. I got
wrapped up in the coax cable for the old TV and pulled it down on top
of my foot six months ago, as I was hopping to the bathroom in the
dark at 3am. I wounded my foot, and I ripped the coax outlet out of
the back of the TV, so I guess, objectively, our battle was a draw.)
The truth is, I don't want to be the kind of guy who gets excited
about an extra 7 inches of television viewing area. I want to be one
of those cool California people who spends their free time skydiving
and viewing independent films on DVD -- lounging around
tastefully-decorated apartments with people in black sweaters, sipping
wine and telling jokes in French.
I am self-conscious about the amount of time I have spent viewing (and
quoting) moments from Family Guy, and I must confess that PBS puts me
into a deep, deep sleep.
I wish I was one of those busy, sophisticated, type-A go-getters who
is too hip for TV, but instead, I'm watching an incomprehensible
Japanese cartoon, watching androgynous goobers with big eyes scream
and throw purple lightning at each other.
I should turn it off and read a book. I was halfway through William
Gibson's Virtual Light, but after the first 100 pages, it all starts
to blur together into a tedious mass of environmental horror and
unpronounceable foreign names.
I should be reading great works of literature, but if I tried to read
in my current mental state, I would fall into a deep, deep sleep, and
awake at 6am, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and utterly unprepared for my
normal work schedule.
Meanwhile, our hero, in baggy red pajamas, has pulled out his GIANT
BONE PHALLIC SYMBOL and attacked the evil sword that they just found
in the middle of nowhere.
I guess I have trouble with the concept of inanimate objects being
evil. It's just so...French. Next summer, in The Sixth Element, Bruce
Willis must defend his family against the EVIL BLENDER OF ANTIOCH!
Featuring Malcom McDowell as the Voice of Blender and Charlize Theron
as THE GIRL!
I can see the preview already. Cut to Charlize, wet, in her bathrobe,
standing in an ORDINARY SUBURBAN KITCHEN:
"No Jack, that's not why you put peaches in the salsa. Don't you see?
The blender doesn't make you do evil, the blender calls to the evil
that is already inside you! But you can fight it, Jack. It's not too
late. Come back to us. Come back to your family. Put the mangos down,
Jack. You can't put mangos in spaghetti sauce. The man I married knew
that."
--
On Larry King Live, Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that
Hollywood is "run by Jews." In response, outraged Jewish groups made it
snow in New York in April.
http://www.michaelduff.net
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