Belief You Can Change: The Triumph of Faith-Based Politics
By Ted Rall
Created Jul 9 2008 - 10:19am
I believe in John McCain. Which is why I don't believe him.
When John McCain said he wanted to stay in Iraq 100 years, he didn't mean
it. He just said it to get elected.
His claims that the war is going great? Voting time after time to send
hundreds of billions of dollars to fund the war without asking for a
timetable for withdrawal? All part of his masterful plan to fool
right-wing
hicks into voting for him.
Once he gets the keys to 1600 Penn, the real, antiwar McCain will reveal
his
true plan: Evacuation from Iraq within 24 hours. An apology to the United
Nations. Bush put on trial for war crimes. Mandatory gay marriage.
He's got a similar plan for FISA. True, he voted to allow the president to
eavesdrop on Americans' phone calls and e-mails. He gave the phone
companies
immunity for the years that they spied on us illegally. As soon as he
becomes president, however, McCain will line up all those lying, spying
phone company CEOs against the White House wall and personally shoot them
with his trusty sidearm, the Beretta PX4.
And he will laugh.
John McCain cares deeply about the same exact things I do. When he takes
the
Oath of Office on January 20, for example, a certain political
cartoonist--not Chief Justice Roberts--will administer it. Government
subsidies will allow Americans to travel to Tashkent and other capitals in
Central Asia for just $50. And the electronica band Ladytron will play the
Inaugural Ball!
Wait a minute, I can hear you saying. John McCain hasn't said any of this
stuff. Know what? You're right! In fact, he's mostly said the exact
opposite. Which is exactly why I know he'll do it.
Politicians, you see, are liars. Except when they mostly do, they never
follow through on their campaign promises. The more they say they're for
using federal tax dollars to fund faith-based church groups, for example,
the more you know they're actually dogmatic, God-hating secular atheists.
Which is, by the way, another reason I believe in John McCain. Because
John
McCain promises a new kind of politics, one where Americans aren't
separated
red state from blue state, cat owner from dog walker. One where soaring
rhetoric isn't just something we read about in books, but watch on TV from
time to time.
Some of John's fans (he feels so near and dear to me, I'm entitled to
first-name familiarity) wonder if the old maverick they fell in love with
is
losing his moral center by lurching to the right. But nothing could be
further from the truth.
Straight talk? Not until he wins! After that, look out. We'll be out of
NAFTA faster than you can say maquiladora. Socialized healthcare? You bet.
Tax hikes for the rich, free Netflix for the poor, billions to rebuild New
Orleans, free kitten and puppy neutering too!
Do I know this stuff? Or am I just making it up--indulging in a sort of
faith-based politics?
Yes, and yes. I know what I make up in my own mind, and what I know is
that
John McCain is a patriot, a man whose unshakeable iron will remained
unbroken even after his North Vietnamese captors tortured him into signing
a
confession for war crimes. I know that John McCain loves America, and that
therefore anything he says or does that indicates otherwise--including,
say,
signing off on Bush's continued use of torture at Guantánamo--can be
nothing
more than a necessary attempt to appease the right long enough for him to
win the presidency, after which he will no doubt reveal himself to be the
liberal, idealistic demigod he has to be because I and others like me have
willed him to be so. Regardless of what he says.
Some poutymouths say I'm deluded. That I've once again fooled myself into
believing a politician was something other than what he appeared to be, or
indeed said he was, all along.
A little while ago, Barack Obama campaigned as a moderate and a moderate
and
a moderate. Then he came out as a centrist. Such betrayal!
In 2000, there was George W. Bush. People said he was stubborn and
merciless, that he made fun of condemned prisoners as he signed their
death
warrants as governor of Texas. But I thought he did that just to win the
votes of the Republican base. Deep down beneath that mean, dumb exterior,
I
just knew there had to be the soul of a scholar and the wisdom of a sage.
Oh, well.
And in 1980, when Reagan ran as a militaristic, scary old coot, I thought
it
was just a put-on he was using to get elected so he could make college
tuition free for me and my friends.
But that's all in the past.
Forty years it has taken me to learn what kind of smile is hidden beneath
the Senator's snowy comb-over. It is all right, everything is all right,
the
struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself.
I love John McCain.
--
NOTICE: This post contains copyrighted material the use of which has not
always been authorized by the copyright owner. I am making such material
available to advance understanding of
political, human rights, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues.
I
believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of such copyrighted material as
provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright
Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107
"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an op****tunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are
at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson
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